Monday, April 20, 2009


disclaimer: this would be a poem. Insert monologue here about how poems are not necessarily based on any truth whatsoever, nor are they necessarily any reflection of the author’s beliefs. With that said, well, you know me…

We must protect our turf against outlaw regimes even if this entails atomic gleam.
Where once the land continued past the edge the earth is knocked clean, as we pledge
allegiance without reading the fine print like resting yr head on the pillow w/out removing the mint.
We must disarm the ghetto and give guns to the official militia, (none of whom are senators’ sons), and we will enact our television fantasy of John Wayne and Dirty Harry in hyper-masculine ecstasy!
We will take it to the desert, sell it as a pay-per-view concert:
The Outlaw Regime versus Wild West—Without our UN tagteam.
Live Rematch: US vs. Iraq!
Buy the lunchbox, t-shirt, backpack!
We’ve sold out our citizens, our culture.
There must be something in the water there, something that makes them all so angry.
Us/them Crazy/angry.
There must be [oil] in the water, and we imbibe that as excuse to slaughter.
The president has ordered troops to take a pill that will make it guiltless to kill.
Robots have an easier time obeying the chain of command.
They follow through as planned and die in their smiling prime.
Robots are expendable, rebuildable—not born with a spoon up the nose—not worth more than the rifle they carry, and are rechargeable.
It goes to show—goes to blow-by-blow award-winning coverage on the evening news.
news you can use to rock the vote.
The vote we rocked…ballots rigged like raffles at the church bazaar.
He rocked, she rocked, we rocked while the clock sped from November across winter,
and there was no consensus, and there was democratic chaos.
We, as in the brotherhood of broken states who fixated on Clinton’s boxers instead of forced burkhas;
We, who gyrated in the New Year as suicide bombers descended on Israel.
And explode in Northern Ireland, Chechnya, and explode over all those places ignored by our media, and we think, yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to go, this broken down connection.
We’re supposed to be siblings and I guess we are, disowned.
All I hear is how we’ve got to protect our own we’ve got to make our presence known.
I object to guilt trips based on lack of evidence when we reverse our policy of innocent until proven guilty.
And there are everyday explosions that we turn away from because there is a hot new unreality show to pacify and entertain us.
Us/ them Crazy/angry out of touch/out of sight.
out of our minds with fear.
Did you buy the fear of smallpox and rage of a madman? Did you?
Are you buying the propaganda?
I’m not.

Protecting the Unborn

It's cases like this in which we need legislation to make murder of unborn babies punishable. I don't buy any of the bullshit that yadda yadda yadda it'll be the slippery slope/domino effect and then abortion rights will be revoked. No. Two very separate things. A fetus, 9 months in the womb, is a baby for all intents and purposes. Clearly the mother was set on having this baby, and some asshole with bad aim shot her.

On a similar note, this is irritating to read about, at the least, because I am going to Boston next month.

Happy Birthday Jack!

My puppy is 2 years old today. He's still very much a puppy - licking, shaking his tail into everything, and loves to follow me around EVERYwhere. I open the cellar door and he RUNS from wherever he is in the house to join me. You're going downstairs, mommy? Can I watch you doing laundry? OO, are you going out to the porch? Can I join you? How about me almost knocking you down the stairs at every chance?

He is trained - he actually went to puppy camp last summer, so he does listen well. In fact, he listens better than Maggie a lot of the time. Maggie is STUBBORN. Jack will come back with ONE call. We got both dogs as 7-week-old pups, and boy, have they GROWN!

And he is a LOVE. He likes to curl up on your lap and snuggle in. Someone should tell him that he is a DOG. Nah. I like him this way. I like him climbing in the dishwasher when I clean up. Sorta.

So Jack, my furry buddy - my hairy little friend, happy birthday! And thanks for crappying on the carpet the other day.

Bow, BOW!

Sweetpea helped me write this post, since, after all, Blue is her FAVORITE character EVER!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Unleash the HOUNDS!

Hubby had a wonderful idea today - why don't I bring the dogs to the dog park for a little run? There was some rain overnight last night, and they were calling for thunderstorms for the late afternoon and evening, but there was a nice window of nice (albeit humid) weather, perfect for a little pooch exercise. Hubby was working, kids were resting. I actually like taking the dogs out to the park alone - it's a relaxing time. Pups, want to go for a ride? Circle, circle, bark, squeak, WOOF!

When I got there today, there was 1 other car there, with the owners and the pooch playing in the field. Btw, this field has a fench on the side where the entrance is, with 2 gates along it. We used to live closer to this park, but we still manage to drive there when we can, to give the dogs a big field to run and play. And this park entertains all sorts. Young, old, nice dogs, mean dogs. There are rules. And there are nice people and biotches.

Today was the day of the bitch.

Let me explain. I parked RIGHT next to one of the gates, and because my dogs didn't have leashes, my plan was to open the gate door, open the van door and get them into the field asap. Now I am a responsible dog owner, and I have respect for other dogs and their owners. I saw the wench/bitch...ah..OLDER WOMAN with her 3 pups - a golden lab, a pug and a little brown YIPPY Dachshund - drive up. She had them on leashes, BUT I didn't see her bring her dogs into the field through the other gate until it was TOO LATE, I GUESS!

Mind you, I was trying to be quick with my dogs. Parked right next to the gate. I opened the door, then turned to open the van door. Mere seconds. And all of a sudden, I heard a voice resembling my mother's:

CLOSE THE GATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T LEAVE THE GATE OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It rang so loud and so shrill that I think everyone in the 10 town area heard her. I was instantly a 10 year old girl getting in trouble for leaving the door open. "Do we live in a BARN?" My mother was the disciplinarian. The one who wore the pants. The bitch on wheels.

This woman instantly got my hairs up. I shut the gate quickly (as I saw her little yippyskankpup - and I use that term with the most love I can muster - coming towards my ankles, although it would've taken that dog a whole day to get to me, it was so small) and proceeded to get my dogs out of the van, put them on "heel" so they didn't run, because you know, I train my dogs to not run after STRANGERS, and got them into the field safely.

You know, I have no problem understanding that I should be sensitive to others at the dog park, and I have no issue with other people asking me to close the gate. In fact, I could understand an emergency tone to a person's voice, if they were nervous about their dog's safety. But to SCREAM at me? CLOSE THESE, BIOTCH!

Where the HELL were this bitch's MANNERS? Ever hear of the word PLEASE, lady?

I got my poop bags from the dispenser and led my dogs to the other SIDE of the field, where I didn't have to talk to that witch. We played fetch with tennis balls (I use something called a chuckit that makes the balls fly far) and kept to ourselves. And if she said one more WORD to me, I would've unleashed something like, "you know, I expect my preschool children to struggle with manners, but not a grown WOMAN!" I'll be damned if I was gonna take any more crap from this woman. She was probably over on the other side of the field telling all the old people who arrived after me that I was a thoughtful 41 year old who WAS GOING TO LET HER DOGS GET RUN OVER BY A TRUCK BECAUSE, after all, THE PARK WAS ON A ROAD TRAVELED BY 6 TRUCKS A MONTH! Heaven help us. And what would've happened if that little yippyskankpup bit me? I would've dropkicked that beast into next WEEK, I kid you NOT!

Ahem. But I digress.

After a nice 40 minutes of playing, the rain came down, and we all made our way back to our vehicles. And this woman. Ugh. As she drove away, I saw that she was sporting Florida license plates. Let's HOPE that she isn't here for the entire summer. Hopefully she was on her way HOME.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009


Okay, cool. My account's all set up, and this is officially a his n hers blog. Kev's much better about update-age than I am, so you'll be hearing much more from him than I.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

My kids are funny

From a forum my wife frequents: here's a note she posted today:

"Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2009 3:24 pm Post subject: Poor confused Alexander.

Alexander is definitely a 21st century child. Today at Target, I bought a drying rack for some of my sweaters. The kids were watching me set it up, and Alexander looked all around the bottom of it, and asked, "Where does it plug in?" "It doesn't plug in, honey. The sweaters just lay on it and get dry." He didn't miss a beat. He plopped down on the floor next to it, got comfy, and announced, "I'm going to watch how it gets hot." So I had to explain. "It doesn't get hot. It doesn't plug in. It just sits there with with sweaters on it, and they get dry." He eyeballed it for a minute, gave me this dubious "If you say so, lady." look, and wandered away, totally bored with the whole thing."

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Post-binary Gender Chores

Clarification is the strongest ally of mine, so I am going to focus and expand on ideas I have previously written on: genderfuck and prescribed gender roles.

What is known: Gender is different from sex, though for the sake of simplicity in public schools (and not wanting to say “sex” to 8 year olds), the two terms begin to weave together to mean the same thing. They don’t. Sex is chromosomal. Sex is penis or vagina. Sometimes, we know, that people are born with the variety pack of sexual equipment. I do not know how often such an event occurs. That is not really the point. The point I am trying to make is that while my vagina does not interfere with my ability to reason, endure, or perform, it also does not determine any other emotional traits. One is not born predisposed to frolicking in the mud versus playing My Little Ponies.

What I am adding to this: I identify as a woman because I have all the girl parts. What is the difference? Do I therefore think only girl thoughts? In my Composition Theory and Rhetoric Pedagogy class several years ago, we studied the concept of gendered writing. Allegedly, men would write in a more direct, assertive manner than women. I can never figure out what is true or not because I think of myself as the odd one out, rather than normal enough the gauge such things. My academic writing is assertive as hell. I have a clear understanding of rhetoric, and I am not afraid to use it. My journal/blog writings fall into a different category because my imagined audience is different. I don’t know if my writing has gender. Maybe I could post a sample of my academic writings, and ask for a consensus. If boys are taught to be more assertive, then it would logically translate into their writing. . .but we are entering a different time and place. Girls today seem a whole lot more assertive than when I was their age, and that was not too long ago, so I can only imagine what the gap is like for those even older. (It’s a pain trying to maintain control of a classroom because of this, but it does make me secretly happy that girls are as willing to tell me to “fuck off” as the boys are)

Traits obtained through socialization are capable of being eradicated. I know I was not born with the desire to ask forgiveness for things that are not even my fault, and so, I changed this a long time ago when I realized I had taken up the habit I considered insipid and unnecessary. I’m not sorry for the way I look. I’m not sorry if I’m taking up too much space. I’m not sorry if I have offended anyone ever. I’m not sorry if you bumped into me. Somewhere along the way, we pick up these things. Women pick up the idea that they need to be nice to everybody all the time. That’s dangerous, in a bad way. Once we figure out that the snake is a snake, then we should work on subduing it, if we are not fond of snakes. I guess if somebody likes being a simp, they can take that route too.

What is the difference between boy and girl? Where does this intersect? I understand the need for women’s literature classes because women are still ignored by the canon, But, I fail to see how it is a genre. What is exclusive to the female experience, and what applies to the human condition, without gender specificity?

Genderfuck. I’ve written a lot about this one, and I don’t think I have come close to exhausting it, but I will address that in my zine. I have trouble understanding the idea of a “woman trapped in a man’s body” (or vice versa) because I can not grasp that the difference between man/woman, other than in the physiological sense. A woman may give birth, but she may be sterile, not interested in babies, in female-female relationships, or practicing safer sex. Childbirth is not mandatory (or womandatory, if I want to be cute about it). Is there anything non biological that is unique to sex and gender, beyond the response of culture and society to the gender?

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Coffee is SO Gay

Normally I run away from the business section of the newspaper as if it were contaminated with anthrax (or austin power's mojo), but this caught my eye. It caught both of them, come to think of it. GayCoffees. Yes. For real. I guess I picked the bad time to give up coffee. Hook Flaming IV in my arm and let's call it a day.

Send me GayCoffee, and I'll love you forever.

Wait, if you think you're straight, but you drink GayCoffee, what happens?

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Where I've Been

Here's a map of Where I've Been (traveled to, driven through, visited, etc).

As you can see, I'm not that well-traveled (and that's fine by me!).

create your own personalized map of the USA

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Scrapbook Pages

I just saw a blog that had "latest pics" in it's right-hand sidebar.
Maybe I'll change mine to showcase Rubi's latest scrapbook pages.
Of course, that means more work for me... scanning, editing, uploading, changing the template or finding a script to rotate the pics.

Hmmm... something to think about.

Friday, February 06, 2009

100 Things from the LJ archives

Getting to know you, getting to know all about... oh nevermind.
100(ish) Things About Me.(in no particular order)

1. I believe Jesus is the Son of God, died to take the punishment for our sins, rose from the dead 3 days later and is now preparing a place for us to be with him someday, and lives with us as the Holy Spirit.
2. I'm married to a wonderful woman.
3. I have three beautiful, extremely well-behaved children.
4. I don't tell them that enough.
5. I'm actually in my 30's. I mean, I am really in my 30's. I can't believe that. I don't feel like it, but I am.
6. My parents have been married for 50 years. They've had a profound impact on my life.
7. I actually like my in-laws. They're much cooler than my parents.
8. I love to read science fiction.
9. My wife is a geek too. But she wasn't before she married me, if that tells you anything.
10. I like salads without dressing. I mean "I don't like dressing on my salads", not "I like to eat salads while naked". That's just weird.
11. I take notes poorly. I keep records poorly.
12. My comic books are organized though.
13. I'm a pack-rat. But being married is starting to cure me of that.
14. I like legos.
15. I like Transformers.
16. I don't read my Bible enough.
17. If I had a dog, it'd be one of those yappy little fuzzballs and I'd name it Fizzgig (the name of a dog-like creature from the Jim Henson movie The Dark Crystal).
18. I like Star Wars better than Star Trek, but I like Stargate the best.
19. I abhor the thought of yard work and procrastinate it as long as I can. But when I'm doing it I almost enjoy it - I get sense of accomplishment.
20. I love to have time all to myself, completely alone and away from any distractions. Browsing at Barnes & Noble is a good example of this.
21. I want to write science fiction stories, but I'm not that good at it and I'm not dedicated enough to sit down and do it.
22. I don't think I'm as smart as other people think I am.
23. I live in the biggest small town you'll ever drive through. We have the 2nd largest street festival in the country, 2nd only to that New Orleans thing.
24. I am quick to anger. But it passes even quicker. Almost like ADD. "Why the #$%^& did you do that?!? Oh look, a puppy... I'm not mad."
25. TV Shows I like: Stargate and Atlantis, Family Guy (if it ever comes back), Smallville.
26. I have blue eyes. I'm glad my youngest daughter does too.
27. I'm waaay overweight. My blood pressure and cholesterol levels are fine though (for now).
28. I'm really glad my kids got their looks from their mom's side of the family.
29. I don't go to church enough.
30. My favorite rock group is Queen.
31. No one I've been close to has died.
32. All my grandparents are deceased.
33. I love to doze off on the couch while watching TV.
34. I think I'm more funny/more witty than I probably am, and most people probably don't get my sense of humor.
35. Each of my kids middle name is a family name.
36. I have no real friends to speak of, besides my wife - she's my best friend. I'm bad about letting friends slip away, sometimes literally. Some of my closest friends live really far away.
37. I've never really been outside of the country. Rubi and I crossed from Detroit to Canada once, but it was just for a few minutes so we could say we did.
38. My first job was at Little Caesar's Pizza, fifteen years ago, and I have very fond memories of it. mmmmm, Crazy Bread....
39. I'm the youngest child of 5, I have 3 sisters and a brother. My oldest sister is the same age as Rubi's mom. My middle sister has nothing to do with our family anymore. My brother is just weird, and it's kind of sad. My youngest sister, who is nine years older than me (yes, I must have been an afterthought), is the coolest of the bunch. She's married, has 2 great kids and home schooled them.
40. I've never been drunk. Unless you count taking too much cold medicine then drinking a lot of caffeinated beverages and getting that loopy, spinning head feeling. I have maybe one or two drinks total per year. And those are Amaretto Sours.
41. I've never really liked sports - watching or playing - but I think ice hockey is kind of neat to watch (not that I ever really do).
42. I don't like the taste of alcoholic beverages.
43. I'm extremely proud of my wife and the way she's raised our kids and how selfless she is in so many things.
44. I was a radio DJ (that could be the misleading title of my Memoirs!) for seven years.
45. I don't really like to drive, but like riding in a car with someone else driving even less.
46. On the other hand, if I had a motorcycle...
47. ...And a helmet.
48. I have nice thick hair that needs a trimming by the time I get home from the barber. I want a flat top or buzz cut just so I don't have to deal with it, but I'd probably look funny(er).
49. I can clearly remember the day I gave my life to the Lord. I was five years old, in the steel and concrete skeleton of what would become the new sanctuary of our church.
50. I'm content in my life.
51. I did okay all throughout school, but I could've done better.
52. I like doing the laundry. Putting it away is another story.
53. I like to "toot my own horn" but I try not to be obvious about it (hence the blog).
54. TV Shows I wish they'd bring back: Fraggle Rock, the Muppets, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Farscape, Buffy, and Angel.
55. I hate bugs.
56. I don't play with my kids enough. But then, I can't remember my parents ever really "playing" with me, and I turned out okay.
57. I really like my job.
58. I've only seen the ocean once in my life. And that was earlier this year.
59. I like Monty Python.
60. I dream in color, and I can read in my dreams - most of the time I'm completely aware I'm dreaming.
61. I'm a "nice guy".
62. I should probably be working right now instead of writing this...
63. I never imagined I'd be a "dad", let alone enjoy it.
64. I don't really like other people's children.
65. I get weepy when reading or watching emotional scenes in books or TV - I never did before I had kids.
66. Marriage = 1 man + 1 woman.
67. I've never been West of St. Louis.
68. I've never been East of Cincinnati.
69. I almost joined the Navy after high school (but that weight thing was an issue).
70. I drove an Army Reserve Hummer once. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but I thought it was neat.
71. I refuse to pay more than $13 for jeans.
72. I think it's ridiculous that women's clothing is much more expensive than men's and doesn't last as long. But they always look better than we do. I will never understand that.
73. I own one suit, and it was bought for a funeral.
74. The only time I've worn a tuxedo was at my wedding.
75. I made my bride-to-be cry when I picked out my tuxedo. She had to redo it (something about stripes and checks I think).
76. I don't like carnival rides, rollercoasters and other vomitoriums, I'm even hesitant with ferris wheels. It's a control thing. I want to be the one driving.
77. Every now and again, I think about getting a more active career, maybe applying for a Sheriff's Deputy job or taking the Postal Exam again. Then I think, "Yeah right!" And remember how much I like my job (and how out of shape I am).
78. A few years ago, I took the test to be a mail man (United States Postal Employee). I made the list.
79. I drove a "sno-cone trolley" for a summer. And enjoyed it.
80. I miss taking classes and learning in a structured setting.
81. I miss taking Bible classes in elementary school. I've forgotten so much.
82. I miss taking Spanish classes. Again with the "I've forgotten so much".
83. Uno is my card game of choice. I once played a single hand of Uno with eight or more people and that single hand lasted a couple of hours, and I was the only one not cheating - and I won.
84. I would totally drive a yellow VW bug with a big red Autobot symbol painted on the front.
85. I don't believe in aliens or evolution, and I'm a skeptic about a lot of the freaky stuff you hear about. But I believe there is a great deal about this world that we don't know about and don't understand, and much yet to be discovered.
86. I believe Genesis is accurate and literal.
87. I like techno/electronica/trance/dance music. Please don't tell anyone.
88. I never was, nor am any good at video games. Never really had the patience to practice to get good.
89. I like chocolate milk.
90. Lottery is the answer to many of my problems. Now I just need to remember to buy a ticket.
91. Math and I don't get along that well.
92. I think the theory of relativity is just that: a theory. And will probably be proven incorrect eventually.
93. I think George W. Bush went to war with Iraq to finish what his father started, and only for that reason. I'll still vote for him.
94. Sweets are my weakness. Especially white cake with white frosting or cinnamon rolls. Candy I can do without.
95. I put Doritos on my sandwich. I learned this in high school when another student did a demonstration speech on how to make a Ham, Cheese, and Dorito Sandwich.
96. I wish I had the time to take walks in the woods. Sometimes with my family, sometimes alone.
97. I like to cook, but I'm not that good at it, and I abhor cleaning up afterwards.
98. I download mp3s. I do not share my collection. I do not play well with others. I run with scissors.
99. I'm thrilled Rubi has my stupid sense of humor. No one else would "get it".
100. I can't stand election ads and political campaigns and debates. I yell at my kids for some of the stuff politicians do in those things.
101. Me + straight line = "oops". I can't draw, trace, cut or walk a straight line to save my life, or to roof my house, or build a fence.
102. I like power tools. I don't like needing to use them. See previous entry on yard work.
103. I know nothing about cars. I can check and add fluids, that's about it.
104. Apparently, I can't count to 100 correctly. See # 91.

Monday, January 19, 2009

easons I Love My Wife

from my LJ archives
(Stole this idea)
Reasons I Love My Wife, in no particular order:
-As a mom, she Rocks! Excuse me, I mean she's an excellent mother to our children.
-She is always doing things for other people, almost to a fault.
-She's not vain at all, quite the opposite. But she's so beautiful.
-She encourages my geekiness.
-She is the smartest person I know.
-She encourages me to be a better person, do my best, get the job done, do what needs doing, etc.
-She also sometimes shares my bad habits with me, which is nice.
-She shares my incredibly odd sense of humor.
-Family means alot to her. Our family, her family, the extended family.
-Her hugs feel so... right. Like I'm meant to be there, in her arms.

to be continued...

Monday, January 12, 2009

Globe of Blogs

I just submitted this blog to
In categorizing the blog, they have a place to list hobbies.
They have Dumpster Diving, and Smoking.
As hobbies.
I think those are both more lifestyle choices than hobbies...
Well, maybe not dumpster diving. I guess that could be a hobby.
dude: "Heyman, what'd you do this weekend?"
heyman: "Dude, I climbed in a dumpster and found a half eaten grilled cheese that has a picture of the Virgin Mary burned into it!!"

dude: "You climbed into a dumpster? That's disgusting!"
heyman: "Not as disgusting as that grilled cheese. It tasted like whoever made it considers smoking a hobby!"